Starry Eyed Soul Sisters

Unlikely events lead you where you never expect; I may have lost things in the process but in the end I won more than I ever thought I deserved.

(Mt. Cheaha State Park) Blue eyed girls have more fun

(Mt. Cheaha State Park)
Blue eyed girls have more fun

As we held hands on the back porch of our dreams, I looked her right in her starry blue eyes and promised her the world. I intend on delivering it.

We have had one hell of a journey, the years, the drama, the bullshit, and all hurt of past histories that cannot be erased or made “all better” with a bandage and some betadine. All of this muck we’ve battled through was leading us to each other. I told her, she is the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. She’s the most inspirational person in my life. And I love her!!

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I do not hold her to ideals, I know who she is. Beautiful, Loving, Supportive, Brilliant, Inspiring, Strong, Noble, Wise, Honest, Mother, Wife, Leader, Teacher, Willful, Amazing, Hilarious, Goofy, Dancer, Writer, Poet, Artist, Brave, Authentic, Intuitive, Passionate, Charismatic, Audacious, Lovable, Rare, Priceless.

I wouldn’t trade her for the world, I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She has truly helped me find the way back to being who I really am; all fucked up and beautifully unique. She has helped me become a better person more than I ever thought possible. She makes me laugh louder, smile brighter, and live better.
She has never been anything but honest with me from the very beginning and I respect that more than anyone who would try and lull me with a false sense of reality.

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She knows she can count on me for whatever she may need or want. I will do anything and everything in my power to make it happen. And if I can’t, you better believe I will have given it my all and that should count for something.

She is very precious to me and I will honor her by standing tall right by her side through whatever the universe throws this way. I could not imagine where or what I would be if I had listened to those who were simply jealous and advised me from taking the first step in contacting her.

I felt it deep in my gut that this was the path I was meant to take, even though I had been warned and harassed for my actions. I swallowed my fears and showed up on her front porch. We were both overwhelmed with feelings, emotions, and stories for each other. I’m sure like I was, she was also very nervous of me. My instincts are usually dead on the mark and I was hoping this too would prove that for me again.

The Bad Witch

The Bad Witch

We dove into the hard stuff right away, we laughed, cried, hugged, and somehow in this fucked up mess started feeling a sense of peace. The night I went to meet her, on my own terms for the first time we spent the next five hours talking about everything we never had anyone else to share our secrets with that truly understood. We understand each other then and now, better than I think I’ve ever been with anyone. Somewhere in the midst of drinking and smoking our pains out, I got brave enough to ask her to be my teacher. The look on her face was priceless. I could tell that out of everything I said or could have said she never saw that coming. She told me, she would have to seriously think about everything and that she would either way get in touch with me to let me know.

It wasn’t the answer I had hoped for but I really shouldn’t have expected anything more. I was patient and knew that if it was meant to happen it would. Sure enough, it did. When I received her email welcoming me into her sacred space, the ground beneath my feet disappeared as if I were in a dream. I had asked for this but never expected to receive it. It was like Christmas morning and I knew then that what would follow would be nothing but magic.

Since then the road we travelled together hasn’t been easy, it wouldn’t be as special as it is, if it had been. October 26th will make it our first year together and I am so proud of everything she really is, who she really is, and all that she does for those she cares about.

(Mid-Summer Celebration 2013) Face painting, enough said.

(Mid-Summer Celebration 2013) Face painting, enough said.

In a land where dreams really do come true, we have each other. A solid foundation built with honesty birthed the greatest relationship in the history of the world. I know she has my back and I have hers. When you are honest with one another trust is never an issue. We have dealt with our share of crazy, neurotic, sociopathic muggles for a lifetime and then some. It is now time for peace.

With each day that passes I can look back and see how I’ve grown, how I am more relaxed, open, strong, and in the most stable place I’ve ever been in. I have her to thank for that. She might not hear me tell her enough how thankful I really am, how much I truly love her, how she inspires me to strive for the best in my life, how she makes me set goals for myself that will truly help me all through my lifetime, how wonderful knowing her is and how much she has helped me realize I am worth more than I give myself credit for.

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She works harder than anyone I know and gives it her all when embarking on any task at hand. She is a leader in our community, that with her influence has grown closer and stronger. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. She may not claim to be Wonder Woman but she could put on the costume and fool me.

Super Woman <3

Wonder Woman ❤

I have watched as she has invested her heart and soul into our kindred and it has grown like a beautiful garden carefully tended and weeded when needed. She takes her time and spends it on those she loves the most, each little seedling gets just as much energy and care as the next. And boy, is this garden thriving.

She crafts her intentions into reality, never have I met a person who kept their word like she does. If she tells you something, I’ve learned she will follow through every time. Seeing someone be so responsible and respectable motivates me to follow in her footsteps. She has the best family anyone could ever dream of and I tell her all the time, it’s her influence on them that has shaped them into the beautiful human beings they are today. I am lucky to share in the experience of it all.

We like the same music so most nights turn into Sing-A-Longs filled with laughter and late nights spent with the best kin and company surrounding us. We craft art things together. We share and hold sacred space together. We respect each other. The inside jokes go on forever, we don’t even have to speak most times; I can just give her a look and she knows exactly what I’m thinking. Having a real connection with someone opens your eyes to all the false ones you thought you had. The illumination she has provided has opened my mind and eyes to so many things I would have never gotten to alone. She is the most amazing teacher and friend I could have ever asked for.
As she has invited me into her life I have been so blessed in so many ways. I truly feel at peace and that I’m on the right path discovering myself and the world around me.

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I want to tell y’all a story before I end this post.

My birthday is two days away and I will be turning twenty-one. I did not know her last year on my birthday, or what I did know of her couldn’t be further from who she really is. I was surrounded by a group of people I called family and they welcomed me as their family. I spent nine and a half months thinking they really cared for me. I was so wrong, they all had their own motives for using me as they pleased. I was unaware of the ongoing nonsense of it all. My birthday rounded the corner and the woman I had grown to call my *magic* mother wanted to adopt me, not legally but spiritually. A Cherokee adoption, in her words once adopted as family there is no way out but death.

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I believed in this, I believed in her, I believed in something for the first time in so long and it felt good. She gave me two names in Cherokee, the first she said meant ‘FOX’ for I was her little fox. The second name meant ‘Black Fox’ to show me that even my dark side was loved and honored at least in her eyes.
I thought it was everything I had ever dreamed of. I knew deep down the uneasy feelings I was getting were in fact something and I should have paid better attention. You see all those other people I told you about were extremely jealous that I had walked into her life and took the spot of favorite like it was a Tuesday. I thought it was healthy for them to feel this way and I would never ask anyone to hide or burry their true feelings.
However, I never thought that they would form a group of hate against me. I should’ve known better than to be so naive. No more than two weeks had passed and I had every single one of them mad at me for this reason or that. I was willing to put in the work and time to regain everyones trust and respect, but sadly was never given the option. They wanted me gone and that’s what they got. She let me know, I was no longer ‘safe’ on her land where I had been staying nor did anyone in her group want to hold ritual space with me during the approaching holiday.

That was all I needed to hear; I was no longer one of them. They pushed me from the circle and once I was out, I saw things in ways I never would have if I were still in their circle.

That night was Thursday October 25th. I drove out to the boondocks and found a nice little dirt road that had only one or two driveways on it, I slept in my car that night. Funny enough I wasn’t worried about some backwoods guy coming out and messing with me, I was however, terrified zombies were going to emerge from the line of trees that I had parked next too. I know, silly. So I took all the clothes I had in my car and built a bed for myself. The next morning I rose with sun and felt sick to my stomach.

Had everything really happened? Had it all been a nightmare? No, it was real and it hurt. How had I ever thought I had everything? I had been so blind.
I needed someone to talk to, I needed a rational minds input. I went to a lady’s house that morning, one whom I had grown to call my Auntie. She wasn’t as engrossed in the circle as the rest of them, I thought she could help give me some advice, insight, or just an ear to listen.

She welcomed me over and let me tell my version of the events that had transpired. I was unaware until after I finished my story and my first pack of cigarettes that she had already talked with the woman I had called Mama. What she told me next made me feel more sick than I thought possible. I already knew she had been spreading rumors about me to anyone who would listen and Auntie was one of the last ones to get a call. Mama was working her hardest to have me excommunicated from the pagan community at large.

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The rumors were so ridiculous I never imagined anyone in their right mind would believe them. Girls in high school couldn’t even come up with rumors like these. They were so far from any truth I was more shocked than anything. How could this woman who claimed she loved me as her daughter, so easily and viciously spread such a crock about me? I will never have answers to most of these questions.

So auntie and I sat there for the next several hours and discussed everything. She told me even after I had received three horribly written and offensive “good-bye” letters from the ones I once called family, that I could still fix this. I laughed out loud, I was not willing to try and fix anything with anyone who not only threatened my safety, had attacked me from behind a computer screen, had lied to my face, lied behind my back, tricked me into sacrificing my favorite part of my self (my dreads) for a boy whom she already knew wasn’t interested. I have no respect for liars, even less respect for someone who tries to abuse me.

I had been fooled into acting out against someone I thought was “bad”. As I had been told horror stories about this woman for the last nine months, things became so clear that day. I realized if this woman I called mama would in a moment turn against me and spread lies about someone she supposedly cared for, who else had she been lying about.

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What came next was a feeling that I had so much to fix, not on their part but on those who were also targets of her lies and drama. I wanted to contact and apologize to this ‘bad witch’ I had been taught to hate. My auntie advised me against it, she said the bad witch has nothing for you, you will gain nothing from that. I saw things differently and Goddess I am so thankful I did.

Reaching out as scared as I was, was the best thing I have ever done. Now I did not want to bring the drama into this blog and this is in no way an attack on anyone. Hang in there, there’s a point to this story I promise.

So, there I was in a fucked up head space, felt like I was lucid dreaming only I had little control of what was happening. It was so surreal and so unbelievable I couldn’t process it all. I sent the bad witch a message apologizing for my actions and for ever believing anything I had heard without making my own decisions or observations. I asked her if she would be so inclined, I wanted to meet with her, face to face. So we did. And it was beautifully strange, familiar and nerve racking.

Rockin' Devil Horns Like A Badass

Rockin’ Devil Horns Like A Badass

I have been by her side ever since that night. Her light shines so bright there’s no room for darkness, corruption, lies, or drama over here.
I thought what I had was real but it wasn’t until I really found something real did I see how fake everything before had been.

I would like to thank you, ‘mama’ for if I had not journeyed down that trail, if I had not been so close and wrapped up in all things you were, if I had not gone through what I did; I would not be the person I am today. I would not have one of the greatest relationships I could have ever dreamed of. You make me appreciate all that I have now for without you it wouldn’t be what it is today. I wouldn’t appreciate “The Bad Witch” like I do now, if I had met her first and had never gotten to see the other side of things. We both have gone through more than our fair share of crap and us coming together, in my eyes has made everything before all the more worth it.

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I am proud to call her kin, she is truly family. She doesn’t make false promises, she doesn’t tell me when to jump or how high, she doesn’t tell me who to like or what to do, she is, however, honest with me. She doesn’t tell me I can have all the candy in the candy store. She calls me out when I make a mistake and has taught me to take responsibility for my actions.

In short she has taught me this:

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

I knew these thing before meeting her and growing with her, but now I truly understand them and can integrate them into my life like I never thought possible.

So, here’s my last point I promise.

With my approaching birthday I haven’t known exactly how to feel or if I even wanted to celebrate it. I have realized that’s no way to be. I cannot focus on negative things if I ever hope of moving past them. In turn that was part of the inspiration for this blog. I saw that there is so much more in my life now that I should focus my time and energy on, so many better things, beautiful things, real things. And what has made me into this strong, willful, caring, happy, at peace person I am today? My lovely sister, teacher, friend, and role model: Angela aka the first Bad Witch. She no longer holds that title, but has passed the torch to me for I still have many stories to be written and shared with the world.

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This post is dedicated to her. I want her to know that no matter what may come, I will always be here for her. She is the most special lady I have ever had the honor of knowing. And I want the world to know how much I love her and truly appreciate all that she really is.

Welcome The Wizard

They call me The Wizard cause I got abracadabra written on my sleeves; can’t get close to me cause my fire burns liars pants with ease. Snort the magic dust, now it’s me they can’t see.

This Wizard lives, didn’t you read the end? Harry Potter defeats Voldemort and lives to tell of what he did. So say I, The Wizard has emerged; don’t under estimate me I’ll leave you buried in a pile of your own words. You’re not the only one who lied to me. Right, but it was you who was planting the seeds. You don’t deserve a garden, all you grow is hate. Don’t be acting crazy and neglectful and blame it on people who don’t support or propagate your wyrd sense of fate.

The Wizard has seen what you have to offer and I laugh. I can’t be bought. What happened to your proverbial window and your ethics you so easily threw out; under the Blood Red Moon, I remember it clear. The Wizard doesn’t forget cause The Wizard has risen above fear.

 

A Nighttime Journey

July 7th 2013 

‘This whole trip I’m talking about is fraught with paradox

The most exquisite paradox

As soon as you give it all up

You can have it all

 

How about that one?

As long as you want power you can’t have it.

The minute you don’t want power you’ll have more than you ever dreamed possible.

 

What a weird thing…

 

As long as you have an ego

You’re on a limited trip

 

You’re on a trivial trip that’s going to last

? Maybe what?

60_say 70_ maybe 80 years

And full with fear of its end

Trying to make its own eternity.

 

Well: If “I” am not speaking

If “I” am not what “I” thought “I” was

How did “I” get into this

Who am “I”

For only when “I” know who “I” am will “I” know what is possible.’ –Remember Be Here Now

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Only in the late night early morning does true inspiration find me.

I am still. In a constant place of welcoming, waiting, and there she is.

I walk among the shadows from the tall country grass and the trees with thousands of stories to share.

There is no moonlight out to light my way tonight so I close my eyes and let the Divine guide me.

She takes me down the soft dirt path that turns into smooth pavement.

Before long my eyes have adjusted to trusting her with my steps.

I walk in faith, I walk with purpose, I walk with her.

 

My shoes take me on a journey that feels unlike any walking I’ve ever done before, like this path I’m on I have travelled before with familiarity. This trip felt like it had always been a part of me that I had just forgotten about. But I knew that couldn’t be right, at least not on the physical plane.

 

The breeze blew down the county road and enveloped me, like a warm summer blanket. I felt safe standing alone in the pitch-black road where the only eyes on me were those of the woodland creatures.

 

The stars were not as bright as they are most nights but they still danced in that romantic way that vibrates within me. They showed me a map of my future. They showed me the choices that lie ahead.  They showed me a route to the unknown. A place that I would soon learn to call ‘home.’

 

“Buy the ticket, take the ride.” –Hunter S. Thompson

 

Over the past few months I have been growing and coming to find answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. I have learned so much and hope that I will always be learning, I will never know too much. I have found beautiful relationships and kindred within my community and I feel blessed in every way when I think of them. We have grown together so much it’s amazing to be apart of. With our most recent endeavor leading us to bee hive research. Amazing these creatures, I’d love to have a few hives of honeybees. Could you imagine farming your own homegrown honey! One day I will. And I will tell you guise all about it.

 

I recently lost my job of almost three years and it has taken my life off the tracks in a very unexpected way. Now the more I re-examine the situation the more I see. I see all the fake people who were nice to my face but would stab me in the back to get ahead. I see where real loyalties lie.  I see where I asked for this to happen. I see where financially I am worse off but in every other way much better off. I see that taking on the process of opening myself to the higher power changes everything even in the smallest of ways.

 

“Be curious, not judgmental.” – Walt Whitman

 

As you walk through one door and close it behind you, in the now before you are limitless doors. Choose what’s next and walk through it. You always have a choice, even when it seems like you don’t. Beautiful things surround you everyday but if you never look, you’ll never see them.

 

I opened myself to what was in front of me, behind me, on both sides, and above as well below. Even in what most people would describe as destination ‘bad trip land’ it is easily fixed I have found from a little confidence in your own mind and experience.

 

Once upon a time someone or something not so nice blinded me to the ways of the Divine Mother, still not sure on that one.

This ‘entity’ had me screaming up and down creation that I was Wolf. I was to howl at the blood moon and grin for “Mama knows best.” I was wrong. I am not a Wolf. Not by a long shot. I do not howl like a beast at the beautiful Moon.

I fly around her, for I am a Dragon. When you see the truth and you know it because it flows in the same veins as your own blood does, then you have truly seen. 

 

“Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.”

 

You can no longer go back to what you thought, no matter how soothing your fantasies were, you unlocked that door within and now you have no choice but to step through to the other side.  

 

“The difference between the right word and nearly the right word is the difference between lightning and lightning bug.” –Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

 

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(Rapunzel and Mother Gothel featured above, such a shame she cut all her hair off.) 

“I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.”

“I did trust her… with everything.”

“She didn’t need to break down my walls, I gave her a key.”

“She could smell my intentions from the moment I met her and she played on that until the very end.”

“She’s not stupid by any means… Reckless? Yes. Psychotic? Yes. Paranoid out the wahoo? Yes. Powerful? No. Harmless? Perhaps. Certifiable? Definitely.”

 

“You have no power here! Begone, before somebody drops a house on you, too!” –Glenda, the Good Witch of the North. Wizard of Oz (1939)

 

Let them have their delusions, it’s better for everyone that way.

Let them get lost in their web of Wyrd and tangle themselves as they please.

If the spider chases the fly it get’s no dinner; if the spider waits the fly will be the hand of his own demise. Don’t do for others what they already are doing for themselves. That may sound harsh but if you only knew.    

 

You’re driving down a desert highway with your lawyer and you see a hitchhiker. Your lawyer advises you to pull over and give the kid a ride. You tell him with the fear on your breath “We can’t stop here, this is Bat Country.”  You stop anyways.

You may be in way over your head but deciding that turning back would be a rather uninteresting option you invite the stranger to join you on your trip.

You wonder how long you have before your lawyer friend starts seeing the bats and you’ve completely tripped this kid out. Seconds. It’s all about vibrations and the kid is not vibrating on your level.

 

It’s all about the experience though, right?

I can get down with that idea. No matter circumstance, you have yourself and that’s all you need. You can escape anywhere; you have had the power all along. Please don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. No matter how you learn as long as you learn the Truth. Who are they to judge you on your way to knowledge? Don’t believe in The Beetles believe in yourself. Be the Walrus. 

 

“You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.”-Glenda

‘I have?’ -Dorothy

“Then why didn’t you tell her before?” -Scarecrow

‘Because she wouldn’t have believed me, she had to learn it for herself. –Glenda

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(Self photo: Out in the yard making Stavs with my Kindred, most fun I ‘d had in while.) 

I can sit here all day and tell you things until I’m blue in the face but until you experience them yourself it wont do any good. So why not take the ride?

 

Discover something new within yourself. Let go of everything else and let yourself really experience being free. Commune with the Divine Mother whenever you can, she is always there. Always. Remember what it’s like to be a child, embrace that, and never ever stop dreaming even when you wake up.

 

 

 

“WHEN I heard the learn’d astronomer;

When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;

When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them;

When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured

with much applause in the lecture-room,

How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;

Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself,

In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,

Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.”- Walt Whitman ‘Leaves of Grass’

 

 

 

 

 

 

Muggles and Other Nonsense

This past month has been full of surprises and I can’t be more thankful for where I ended up through all of it. I still have several half written blogs I can’t bring myself to find time for. I feel like I’ve been hiding out for a while; no reason really, just had stuff I’ve had to get done. 

Let’s see here about a month ago I still was work at the place we shall refer to as TDDN. I was trying to figure out how I was going to live all the way across town with a single speed bike and make it to work. I managed to find a way to work for the time and wasn’t really making any money. About a week and a half later one of my friends/coworkers quits TDDN and I was unaware until the next day. Now, she and another coworker decided to open up their own shop. I was friends with them before that I had thought nothing of it, they wanted to be friendly even with TDDN but no it didn’t matter. So me being a natural at falling into stuff gets called up and fired because of a rumor “lie” whatever you call it, people were talking smack. More importantly my coworkers were talking smack about me for being friends with the girls who opened their own shop. Now this was a pretty big shock but it wasn’t that bad, being set free means run; don’t turn around and try and go back in your cage. 

I moved into the perfect spot and while on a walk with my doggies, I stumbled upon a wild black berry patch. It’s not even time for them to even be blooming yet and I have already found so many it’s amazing. I have started the planting of seeds this year but have made only a small dent in the bag of seeds. Spring is the time when I wish I had just enough land I could grow whatever I could think of the most. It’s more than just sunlight and water; I’ve got the special touch. It makes me so happy to be able to experience my little seeds grow into mighty plants. 

I was lucky enough to be able to get a tattoo apprenticeship as of recent at this new little shop that’s already a great place to be. I am looking forward to what I can learn to better my abilities not only for tattoos but art in general. I hope to have much to share with y’all soon. I spent yesterday practicing cursive and I can already see a difference in many areas.

This past week I spent covered from head to toe in wood! Yes, I wood burned, dremeled, and sanded as the sun went down and came up. I was diving head first into waters I had yet to test fully. Each piece of wood I worked with worked me back. I learned a lot that week about wood working, proper safety setup, how to keep it from getting all over you (or at least out of your hair). I learned what bags work best when picking black berries, who my true friends are, how to safely collect poison ivy root for wand making,and that job hunting is best done not in the heat of the day. 

I have one week before a festival and I still have things to be done, outfits to craft, and I’m still searching for a new job at least temporarily. I’ve got pages and pages of ideas for things to craft and make, but never any time. This past week has been the first week in months that I’ve gotten to start a project and be able to finish it on time and without hassles. With things looking brighter I am glad to still be around. The dust has started to clear in this empty town. 

I got a new tattoo almost a week and a half ago and she’s still healing but beautiful. It’s on my elbow, I got a sunflower and yes there’s even a picture if you look to the left hand side. (Instagram) 

Well I’ve been up all night again and it seem like I don’t have much time to write. Farewell for now. 

-Hazey 

 

You Know You’re a Hipster Pagan When

LOve this, gotta check her out if you haven’t already!!

The Witch of Forest Grove

Pagan Hipster Meme

It all started with Meadowsweet & Myrrh‘s Alison Leigh Lilly and her hilarious blog post Hipster Paganism. The local cities of Victoria and Vancouver where I’ve lived are plagued with hipsters and therefore hipster pagans and so found myself laughing ’til tears streamed down my face.  I had many heard pagans say these things (especially in the traditional witchcraft community – you know who you are LOL)! Not being able to resist, my mischievous friend Shivian and I started a #HipsterPagan hashtag on twitter and, of course, chaos ensued. The funny part? Me and most of my friends are guilty of some of these – not going to say which though!

@Shivian “My ritual salt was fair-trade harvested from a locally owned, small ocean cove by well paid employees.”

@forestwitch “I only use chants collected from the oral lore of rural peoples from Outer Hebrides before 1890 because it’s…

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Late Night Debacle

I have not slept yet and I do not plan on it. I watched the sunset and I will watch the sun rise here shortly.

Late nights fill my head with delight, everyone’s dreaming and I’m busy scheming.
There are sleeping bodies all spread across the floor, yet I’m still awake; sitting here, writing more.

Thoughts leave my mind and travel through my arms. My fingers tap against the keyboard and letters appear on the screen. Smoke fills my lungs as I inhale and purple clouds hang around my head.

My thoughts fight each other to come out first, they want to be written down and published in works. They mangle and tangle with each other causing one big mess; my fingers can’t keep up, leaving flames on the desk.
They burn into my skull as I try to get them out leaving forever stains where ever they were at. Lavender lips entrance my thoughts, I think of you and I become lost.

Fantasies run through my brain as I’m driving this all night magic writing freight train. They don’t make sense and they will never come true, they are just fantasies and there’s no harm that they can do. Wash away my thoughts and free my hands, this keyboard is my homeland.

I will play your games as long as I think I have a chance to win, you see, my sights are set high and I wont bend. There’s something about you that takes my breath away, the way you dance, had me locked in a trance, too good to blink, you’re a tiny dancer and I can’t think straight.

With the world at my door I leave out the back, I tried to sneak away but got caught in the act. Here I drink this bottle so tall, once filled to the top with vodka, now less than half remains and i’m still not feeling it at all. I’d rather be getting warm by a fire, sharing stories and laughs, than stuck here in this room with nothing not even a glass. I’ll drink from the bottle and write another line, the night is creeping away and daylight is feeling fine. The liquid goes down my throat and snuffs out the cold even in my feet. My hands are busy typing and with each stroke they create a beat. A new song is make with each sentence I write, I could make a whole album from just tonight.

There is stillness in the night that gives me quite a fright. There are kids passed out sleeping on the floor and half hanging on couches. There’s no silver ware in the drawers, not a can of beans to be found. It’s such a weird little night in this tiny college town. The snores are coming in muffled each time; I’m still playing music and writing the thoughts that come to mind.

The things that I think and the things that I say aren’t on the same page and never come out the right way. My tongue fights a war with my mind, it wants to say what I have to keep inside. It’s a daily battle sometimes I lose, I can’t help the ones that blurt out and leave others feeling confused.

I want you to write me book like you’re Stephen King, win my heart like you’re Whitman, and cast Johnny Depp as the lead role. I’d sell my soul for a copy. Spin me story that leaves me wanting more, tell me something new I haven’t heard before; let your inhibitions go and just let your writings flow.Tell me of a land waiting to be discovered, build me a hot-air balloon with descriptions so clear I’d think we were in it. Test the winds and check the map; if you lead the way, I’ll have your back. A journey unlike any before is truly what I’m searching for, you can take me there with my eyes closed shut; I trust you more with my gut.

The darkness is no longer in the room, the birds are waking up and singing their tunes. There are still kids sprawled out everywhere, sleeping like babies without a worry or care. If only when they did wake, they could keep that inner peace like state. In the light coming in I can see all that was hidden before, there’s a stack of books and a stuffed animal by the door.

Oh what a night it has been, I just can’t believe my eyes; there are six tiny birds, chirping outside. The cold winds of the morning grow strong they give me chills through my bones. As I’ve watched a day come and go, I’ve sat here patiently enjoying the morning glow. There are no longer stars in the sky we see, the full moon is gone, and now it’s just you and me.

Smoking cigarettes like it’s my job, oh what a restless night can do; There is numbness in my legs but there’s nothing I can do.
I hear my friends start to stir about, they walk gently as to not wake anyone else in the house. They whisper like mice, I can hear them through the walls; their voices are muffled and their footsteps creep down the hall.

They’ve opened the door to find me here, still sitting where they left me, still writing without fear.
The time passes faster when everyone’s awake, I cherish the night and the calming energy it radiates.
They are up and ready for their day, I’m not done writing, I could be here for days.

There’s so much bubbling in my dome, chemicals mix together and they fizz and foam. There’s a whole world outside this window; I’m not afraid of falling, I’m afraid I’ll let go.

It’s so good to have my computer up and running again, with all the writing I’ve done, it’s almost like I’m trying to make up for four months in two days. So many writings I started and moved on, I clearly have too much to say when there’s nothing going on.

There’s snow on the ground outside my window and I wish you were here.
There’s a snoring sound coming from the floor and I wish you were here.
There’s vodka to drink, everyone’s asleep, and I wish you were here.
There’s nothing to do but play music that makes me think of you, I wish you were here.
There’s a stranger rap, tap, scatting at the door and I wish you were here.
There’s nothing but darkness and I wish you were here.
There are drugs to be done, I wish you were here.
There are things to do and kisses to be given, I wish you were here.
There’s an aching in my soul, I wish you were here.

Until next time, stay sane.
Blessed Be,
Hazey

The Witchy Blog Award

I was nominated by the sweet and wonderfully witchy Ehsha at http://abadwitch.wordpress.com/ However her newest blog is at http://ehshaapple.wordpress.com
Thank you for the nomination and I would have had it posted sooner but I guess that’s what I get for trying to post it from my phone.


Seven Questions:

How did you “discover” Wicca/witchcraft?
Not only is it in my bloodline but from way back when I was little, my dad had native friends and I knew they understood me better than the Christians of the local southern baptist church. When I was 17 I met my sister in the craft we learned a lot together and one day I hope to be in her life again.

Do you grow herbs?

Yes. I have an infinity for growing my herbs and plants from seed. I love getting new seeds and learning how to not only grow them but use them as well.
Are you “in the broom closet”? If not, share your coming out experience.

With the blood mother, yes. She would probably have a stroke if I told her, she’s very much a hypochondriac. She thinks all that is occult is of the devil. My co-workers and friends know, but pretty much any of them have never thought otherwise.

What tradition do you follow?

For the past eight and a half months I’ve been on a Cherokee and Celt path. I am also learning more about F.O.I. and the Hermetic traditions. I am looking to broaden my path and actually have my lineage traced. As well as looking forward to my future learning.

Do you consider yourself a witch, Wiccan or Pagan (or maybe something else?)

Well, I call myself a witch, if what I do is the craft it makes sense. I am certainly pagan and strongly believe in mother earth and all her faces.

How much of witchcraft/Wicca are you able to incorporate into your everyday life?
Every moment of my life. It’s not something I think about, I just am.

Do you have a familiar? If you do, tell us how you meet him/her and how s/he takes part in your practice (if at all).

Actually, a few. And, for safety reasons, I prefer not to disclose more. There are malicious Witches out there y’all.
However, I will say that thankfully I have them all with me safe and sound.
I’m sorry to report that I did not have as many nominees that I would have liked, but we can fix that later. None the less these are the Awesome Witchy Blog Award Nominees:

*http://sharmishthabasu.wordpress.com/ Sharmishtha Basu
*http://witchingwildwood.wordpress.com/ Witching Wild Wood
*http://arealwitch.wordpress.com/ A Real Witch

Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

Going into a tunnel with your eyes closed, arms open, ready to travel to the ends if the earth is not something I recommend unless you’re hard headed and like to learn hard lessons first hand. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I whole heartily believed every thing that came my way without question, that was my first problem. When I was shown the truth I did everything I could to not believe it. I was being foolish and childish. It took a lot, it took things I could have never guessed, it took being an ass, and it took me further yet again when everything came around full circle, I saw the truth I had ran from in the beginning. I heard a tree tell me back in July what I should’ve listened too, however I guess in a way I needed this to occur so I could relate better to something in my future. But that’s the good thing about useful blogs, you can always go back and read it again, maybe face palm after reading but none the less that helps you learn. And hopefully saves you some heartache long down the tough road ahead.

Recently, I stepped in a whole pile of mess that still sinks, I danced in it Friday night. I am not saying I’m not responsible for what transpired only that everything happens for a reason and this was what I needed to really be able to see what was right in front of my eyes. Just a word of advice not all good witches are beautiful and not all bad witches are ugly, you live and you learn the best you can. This post is not for anyone but me, I don’t believe Word Press and Facebook are acceptable spots to spew personal things such as this. So this is not a post that I will go into too much depth on, either you know or you don’t and if you don’t there’s a reason. I am writing this as my way to release a small bit of everything flying around me currently. 

I feel silly and I probably will for a while, honestly I’m still in shock with everything, I feel like someone put me in a hamster ball and spun me as hard as they could. I think it will be a while before I can fully digest every thing that has happened but none the less I’ve learned more than one lesson this past week and will truly consider much more from now on. Always question, because if you don‘t and you end up looking like a fool, you only have yourself to blame. I keep walking around, sitting, thinking and every now and then “shit” just slips out of my mouth in awe of all that has taken place. 

I would have never imagined in a million years I’d be sitting on your porch of brick last Friday night, under these circumstances, sharing stories, laughter, and tears. Hearing more only helps clear the air for me.
Even when your told you’ve effed up with only people you have left it isn’t always true, you just have to stand strong to your convictions and look in places that you were told had no answers. When you can see it first hand, that’s the moment you know you can’t ignore it any longer, that zombie you locked up in the barn is… hungry. You’ve got two choices in zombie land, feed it or end it. If you choose to feed it I won’t judge you, however, I do not condone these actions but I can understand why you would.
When I took a step back and really started connecting things they all started to make more sense, in the long run I hope I will come away from all this as a better person.

Not everything is as cut and dry and it seems through the interweb, I will make it clear this is extremely hard for me just thinking about so much I wish wasn’t true. I’m blown away and still not completely sure how I should feel. Almost everyone that is pissed off at me recently has full right to be, however know that things get twisted on both sides of things and that only propagates drama. 
I am not making an attempt to band-aid this scrapped knee, I want it to breathe so it can heal properly. I’ll be forever sorry for countless things that do not belong on the Internet. I am slowly getting back to where I need to be and doing it with open eyes.

Changing Inside, Showing It On The Outside

I’ve been going through a lot recently and I am more thankful than they will ever know to have a loving family who supports me during such a rough transition.

I thought at first I had cut all the ties I needed too, recently however I have realized that was not the case.
So here’s what I did.

In the beginning, I cut the cord that bound me to something I no longer wanted, something not healthy.
I slowly came to see that if I really wanted the fresh start I had been searching for I was going to have to work a little harder.
I removed all rings and jewelry that reminded me of people no longer in my life, I now only wear the tan lines that will, over time fade.
At first I bleached my hair, thinking that could rid me of the negativity and unwanted energy that had brought me down. I wasn’t quite there yet.
Two nights ago I cut my dreadies off.

Remember, I wanted serious change, a real fresh start.

Now my hair is shorter than it ever has been and I love it.
I removed a belligerent nape piercing that kept coming out, I had forced it back in once before but I realized that if it doesn’t want to stay, why should I want it there.
With each day I am getting closer to my twentieth birthday, I am transforming, becoming who I really am on the inside and showing it on the outside.
This is all my process. This is me letting go of the past and welcoming my future with open arms.
I have moved, changed jobs, and down-sized quite a bit.
During this process, I have realized whom my true friends are and who’s just there for the show.

In the land of new beginnings this is how I start my day.
I wake up and feed my kitty, pick up the early morning mess made by my little fox then feed the chickens and pray there’s an egg.
Today, while I was watering mommas garden I saw a rainbow through the spraying water, that same rainbow followed me around until I was finished.
That rainbow gave me hope for new things, it said,”Hey little girl, you’re doing the right things for the right reasons.”
I wont say too much about last night but here’s what I can tell you, as I was looking to the stars and began to speak, the biggest and longest shooting star I have ever seen shot across the night sky, as if to agree with what I was saying. As I finished what I had begun another shooting star flew across the sky. I stayed out there a while longer just to gaze and not once did I see another.

When you start to change in the right way the universe is always there if you’re ever doubting yourself, you just gotta listen.
I trust and believe in what am doing, I can feel it in my bones.

Today after I had done everything that was needed I set up my hammock and swung. I could’ve stayed inside and watched TV all day but I know better than that. The sound of the woods all around me, the wild animals speaking among themselves, the wind blowing strong, the warmth from the afternoon sun and a cold beer made me happy.

Happiness lies not in the worth of something but the love you create.

As I rocked back and forth, I closed my eyes and listened to the world.
I listened to my inner self. I let myself dance, sing, and rest.
Here on this little slice of land, with no worries of being scarred, I am happy.
Truly happier than I can ever remember being. I have cut off all the bondage of the false world and found real love.
Through all these changes I have even begun to truly love myself.
I have others accepting me as I am, sharing our scars, crying in pain, and not holding back, I have broken down the walls I built myself.

Change is happening all around us, you can either except it or ignore it, I have chosen to accept it.
Trasformation is a beautiful process especially when you’re standing barefoot in the midst of it.

I’m letting go of all of the material things that really don’t matter. I’m showing myself and the universe what I really want. I’m buckling down on my studies both spiritual and educational. I am making plans to get into college by the spring semester, I am starting a new job and steadfast on saving all the money I can, not because money can buy happiness but because it can buy me my own little piece of land to call my own.

I’ve heard others tell me recently they’ve changed and I have not seen anything of the kind. To change you must actually take action, you must be willing to let go and learn from your mistakes, you must be willing to accept it all.

These past two months have opened my eyes to all the things I thought I was seeing, now I understand what they mean.
I am carving my own path, new trails, discovering depths within myself never before had I imagined.

As summer leaves us behind and fall peaks around the corner our seasons are changing, transforming not all at once, but through a slow and steady process. We are coming up on our second harvest holiday and fast.
Precious time we thought we had is slipping away faster than we can comprehend. Are we going to sit back and turn into pumpkins or are we going to take advantage of what time we have left and dance until our feet are sore?

Well, I don’t know about y’all but I am dancing, stomping, singing, hooping, and embracing ever sacred moment of it. We have forgotten that we do not have time to waste, we have to put forth the effort or in turn we are the ones that will waste away.
I mean if that’s what you want, I can go ahead and throw you in the compost bin, but you can be certain you wont find me there.
There are weeds to be pulled, seeds to be sown, recipes and virtues to be learned, this time we have will not stop for anyone or anything, don’t let it become wasted.

The biggest part of all of this for me would have to be how I have grown.
I once was foolish and didn’t know many things that today help me more than ever.

In twenty more years I want to be able to say that I learned everything I could from my momma, while I had time. I want to be able to share these stories and knowledge with my own children someday so that when change is needed they don’t feel like laying down is the only way out.
They will know all of the wonderful things that you can’t find in a book, the things you have to experience and learn for yourself.
Change is just another part of this life, the question is this; Are you going to stand up and face it head on or are you going to lie down and waste in the compost bin? Better make up your mind soon, time wont stop and if you don’t already know well I reckon you’ve wasted enough of it already. Don’t be afraid to jump, run fast, and dance until you fall. Don’t listen to others if you know better in your soul. Only you can know what’s right for you. Never be worried to make mistakes, if you didn’t, how would you ever learn? Go read a book and swing in a hammock and leave the cell phone inside, it’ll be there when you get back. Do something with your time and as you grow, one day you will see it was all part of changing.

For all those out there who love and support me, I love and support you back more than you will ever know, maybe one day we will fill those holes within each other, maybe one day we wont be sad anymore, maybe just one day we will have learned and loved for the right reasons. We will have changed.
Much love to y’all.
-Hazey

Change is all over me 🙂

Pickle my soul

I haven’t felt this good since I was a tiny little thing barefoot, standing on the red clay banks catching catfish and fireflies.

Y’all tonight was good. I can’t even explain with words how the universe is unfurling all around me.
This country life is just the dirt this little tree needed. That damn city life just aint right for me, too much concrete to scrape your knees on.

Imma walk around in my sundress, cowboy boots, and fairy wings, dancing to the soundtrack in head.
Hell I might even bust out my LED hoola-hoop.

Sitting back on this old porch, swappin stories about everything from bad blood to damn good food.
Not worrying bout nothing, no shoes required, sleeping puppy in my lap, and a smile welling up in my heart.
Things never felt so right, so good, so real, so natural. Family is all you need.
One day I will teach my daughter and she will teach hers, real shit, we aint got no room for fake.

Pulling into a setting afternoon sun, watching it fade, then seeing the Moon. Nothing like it. Can’t buy it at Wal-Mart. Couldn’t buy it if you had all the money in the world. You can’t Google shit like this.

You know, the moment when the lights flash and you can just smell it in the air. Mmmm, yes, I do.

That one time I was worried to bring out my special kitty, worried sick, like any momma would be, but knowing that the Goddess had her. And yes she’s in love with this here land, just like her momma.
No need to worry, remember?

“It takes volcanos to make tropical islands and super novas to make the universe”-from the man who calls me babygirl. Yes, he’s so right. He and I are supernovas and we wont ever forget that. From one old soul to another. Anyone who said miles can separate two people never knew what we do.

These wings are ready fly, y’all stand back now.

Ever met a soul who resinated within you, so deep, you’ve loved them before this life, and will in the next. Mhm.
That’s really family, never let go, never slow down. FLY.

When shit get’s tough, there a wonderful comfort to know, you can always go home. Knowing there’s always gonna be the best homegrown home-cooked dinner, cigarettes, and wine. Knowing that those same sweet souls will be there to clean up bloody knees and there to threaten to put you under the tomatoes when you damn well need to hear it.

That’s love y’all. That’s who I call kin.
Even the trees like to talk to you out here.
Got me a guard kitty who’s favorite place to sleep is on mommas’ alter, only when it’s been cleaned off.

I think tonight goes down in the history books of my soul as a scared night. A night I really felt safe and happy.
Goddess blessed this life. This night, this air, these souls. I am more than lucky, I was born here.

Just add some vinegar and sugar and pickle me silly.

What did we do before all this, oh yeah, Big Momma sustained us, and if you’re not scared she’ll do it now too.
At least she does for me. I don’t need for nothing, I’ve got more than anyone could ever dream of.
And boy am I thankful.

When this body of mine dies, burn it and return it to this here land.

Take those seeds in your hand, rub them with your intentions, as you plant them, and then stand back.
Those little babies will shoot up and show you what they got, every time. Well, that’s what they do. Come on y’all.
Let’s get back to what this life is really about. As my Momma says I guess I’ve done gone Native.
It’s what I feel most compelled to do, it’s the book that’s written on my soul, the way I should be.

I was born to hunt my food and respect the scared process of it all. Nothing is wasted. Everything has its purpose.
You think we were born with clothes and shoes on, you think we were born with a silver spoon in our mouth, naw.
Iffin you birthed a babe, you know damn well what I mean, Women, our bodies provide the food even after the birthing is done, then, what, you think McDonalds was built just so we could live? 40,000 years ago… whatcha think they did, right. Natural life.
We are animals after all. I don’t know where you find McDonald seeds at but you must be fancy.
I aint never heard such mess in all my lives. This shit aint what we were born for, it’s killing us faster too.
You think that’s natural. Mmm, mayhap you need to go rethink some things.

Well, I don’t know about y’all but I can feel this earth between my long toes, I love the sweet way the grass tickles me, I love the rays of the mighty sun on my skin, I dance to the moon and howl with the wolves. I’m all that I can be, myself.

I may paint my nails and dye my hair but even if I didn’t have a Mac Book Pro I’d still be carving my stories into the memories of my family just the same. I’d be just fine without all this fancy shit, I’d still be happy and maybe living right just a little better.

Don’t mind the glitter and sparkles. I’d still be sparkling without the glitter.
Y’all know some muggle had the gall to tell me “The reason I took the such and such was cause I thought you’d need it to seem cool.” Well, damn. I laughed, if you know me, like I do, you’d know I don’t need anything to be cool, I just am. You think Macaws need cool toys to be cool, well you aint too smart. I said, “Honey I don’t need shit, I could be in a cave and I’d still be the brightest thing there. You can’t take this glitter away, it was encoded into my DNA. Enough said.

See I’m a bird who cant be caged, I fly wether you try and fight it or not, I’ll just fly away and find a new tree to nest in.

You can hurt me, you can even make me cry, but you best be prepared for the moment this Goddess gets back up, hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned. Yes, I realize that may ensue war but this little bird aint all love and light like most people would like to think. I can be, just don’t cross me and if you do, know that I will fight with all that I have in me.

I don’t lay down like a dog, naw, I stand strong. And I don’t ever start a battle I’m not prepared to win.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am sweet as honey but I sting worse than a bee. I am respectful until you cross me. I am thoughtful even in war. I know my roots, I know they go deep. I know where I came from and truthfully that’s all I can be. I’m the most loving, caring, soul you might ever meet and if you’re in trouble I’ll help wipe the blood off your knees.

That’s right y’all, if you don’t know me you better get good at smelling me coming, cause when I arrive you’ll never know what hit you. That’s being raised down here in the deep south. Don’t nobody hurt my family. Don’t nobody talk smack about my people but my people iffin you do, you better hope your car goes faster than mine.

So that’s my bedtime story for y’all. Sleep tight and don’t let those damn bed bugs bite. If they do you can always call on me, I’ll probably be up dancing in the grass under these glamouring stars, singing old time country songs of yesteryear, feeling the world spin and experiencing more memories to share. I love you all. From an old soul to all y’all out there this is my life and how I feel this is the true story of a born and raised country girl.

-Hazey xoxo