I’ve been going through a lot recently and I am more thankful than they will ever know to have a loving family who supports me during such a rough transition.
I thought at first I had cut all the ties I needed too, recently however I have realized that was not the case.
So here’s what I did.
In the beginning, I cut the cord that bound me to something I no longer wanted, something not healthy.
I slowly came to see that if I really wanted the fresh start I had been searching for I was going to have to work a little harder.
I removed all rings and jewelry that reminded me of people no longer in my life, I now only wear the tan lines that will, over time fade.
At first I bleached my hair, thinking that could rid me of the negativity and unwanted energy that had brought me down. I wasn’t quite there yet.
Two nights ago I cut my dreadies off.
Remember, I wanted serious change, a real fresh start.
Now my hair is shorter than it ever has been and I love it.
I removed a belligerent nape piercing that kept coming out, I had forced it back in once before but I realized that if it doesn’t want to stay, why should I want it there.
With each day I am getting closer to my twentieth birthday, I am transforming, becoming who I really am on the inside and showing it on the outside.
This is all my process. This is me letting go of the past and welcoming my future with open arms.
I have moved, changed jobs, and down-sized quite a bit.
During this process, I have realized whom my true friends are and who’s just there for the show.
In the land of new beginnings this is how I start my day.
I wake up and feed my kitty, pick up the early morning mess made by my little fox then feed the chickens and pray there’s an egg.
Today, while I was watering mommas garden I saw a rainbow through the spraying water, that same rainbow followed me around until I was finished.
That rainbow gave me hope for new things, it said,”Hey little girl, you’re doing the right things for the right reasons.”
I wont say too much about last night but here’s what I can tell you, as I was looking to the stars and began to speak, the biggest and longest shooting star I have ever seen shot across the night sky, as if to agree with what I was saying. As I finished what I had begun another shooting star flew across the sky. I stayed out there a while longer just to gaze and not once did I see another.
When you start to change in the right way the universe is always there if you’re ever doubting yourself, you just gotta listen.
I trust and believe in what am doing, I can feel it in my bones.
Today after I had done everything that was needed I set up my hammock and swung. I could’ve stayed inside and watched TV all day but I know better than that. The sound of the woods all around me, the wild animals speaking among themselves, the wind blowing strong, the warmth from the afternoon sun and a cold beer made me happy.
Happiness lies not in the worth of something but the love you create.
As I rocked back and forth, I closed my eyes and listened to the world.
I listened to my inner self. I let myself dance, sing, and rest.
Here on this little slice of land, with no worries of being scarred, I am happy.
Truly happier than I can ever remember being. I have cut off all the bondage of the false world and found real love.
Through all these changes I have even begun to truly love myself.
I have others accepting me as I am, sharing our scars, crying in pain, and not holding back, I have broken down the walls I built myself.
Change is happening all around us, you can either except it or ignore it, I have chosen to accept it.
Trasformation is a beautiful process especially when you’re standing barefoot in the midst of it.
I’m letting go of all of the material things that really don’t matter. I’m showing myself and the universe what I really want. I’m buckling down on my studies both spiritual and educational. I am making plans to get into college by the spring semester, I am starting a new job and steadfast on saving all the money I can, not because money can buy happiness but because it can buy me my own little piece of land to call my own.
I’ve heard others tell me recently they’ve changed and I have not seen anything of the kind. To change you must actually take action, you must be willing to let go and learn from your mistakes, you must be willing to accept it all.
These past two months have opened my eyes to all the things I thought I was seeing, now I understand what they mean.
I am carving my own path, new trails, discovering depths within myself never before had I imagined.
As summer leaves us behind and fall peaks around the corner our seasons are changing, transforming not all at once, but through a slow and steady process. We are coming up on our second harvest holiday and fast.
Precious time we thought we had is slipping away faster than we can comprehend. Are we going to sit back and turn into pumpkins or are we going to take advantage of what time we have left and dance until our feet are sore?
Well, I don’t know about y’all but I am dancing, stomping, singing, hooping, and embracing ever sacred moment of it. We have forgotten that we do not have time to waste, we have to put forth the effort or in turn we are the ones that will waste away.
I mean if that’s what you want, I can go ahead and throw you in the compost bin, but you can be certain you wont find me there.
There are weeds to be pulled, seeds to be sown, recipes and virtues to be learned, this time we have will not stop for anyone or anything, don’t let it become wasted.
The biggest part of all of this for me would have to be how I have grown.
I once was foolish and didn’t know many things that today help me more than ever.
In twenty more years I want to be able to say that I learned everything I could from my momma, while I had time. I want to be able to share these stories and knowledge with my own children someday so that when change is needed they don’t feel like laying down is the only way out.
They will know all of the wonderful things that you can’t find in a book, the things you have to experience and learn for yourself.
Change is just another part of this life, the question is this; Are you going to stand up and face it head on or are you going to lie down and waste in the compost bin? Better make up your mind soon, time wont stop and if you don’t already know well I reckon you’ve wasted enough of it already. Don’t be afraid to jump, run fast, and dance until you fall. Don’t listen to others if you know better in your soul. Only you can know what’s right for you. Never be worried to make mistakes, if you didn’t, how would you ever learn? Go read a book and swing in a hammock and leave the cell phone inside, it’ll be there when you get back. Do something with your time and as you grow, one day you will see it was all part of changing.
For all those out there who love and support me, I love and support you back more than you will ever know, maybe one day we will fill those holes within each other, maybe one day we wont be sad anymore, maybe just one day we will have learned and loved for the right reasons. We will have changed.
Much love to y’all.