Real Eyes, Realize, Real Lies

Going into a tunnel with your eyes closed, arms open, ready to travel to the ends if the earth is not something I recommend unless you’re hard headed and like to learn hard lessons first hand. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I whole heartily believed every thing that came my way without question, that was my first problem. When I was shown the truth I did everything I could to not believe it. I was being foolish and childish. It took a lot, it took things I could have never guessed, it took being an ass, and it took me further yet again when everything came around full circle, I saw the truth I had ran from in the beginning. I heard a tree tell me back in July what I should’ve listened too, however I guess in a way I needed this to occur so I could relate better to something in my future. But that’s the good thing about useful blogs, you can always go back and read it again, maybe face palm after reading but none the less that helps you learn. And hopefully saves you some heartache long down the tough road ahead.

Recently, I stepped in a whole pile of mess that still sinks, I danced in it Friday night. I am not saying I’m not responsible for what transpired only that everything happens for a reason and this was what I needed to really be able to see what was right in front of my eyes. Just a word of advice not all good witches are beautiful and not all bad witches are ugly, you live and you learn the best you can. This post is not for anyone but me, I don’t believe Word Press and Facebook are acceptable spots to spew personal things such as this. So this is not a post that I will go into too much depth on, either you know or you don’t and if you don’t there’s a reason. I am writing this as my way to release a small bit of everything flying around me currently. 

I feel silly and I probably will for a while, honestly I’m still in shock with everything, I feel like someone put me in a hamster ball and spun me as hard as they could. I think it will be a while before I can fully digest every thing that has happened but none the less I’ve learned more than one lesson this past week and will truly consider much more from now on. Always question, because if you don‘t and you end up looking like a fool, you only have yourself to blame. I keep walking around, sitting, thinking and every now and then “shit” just slips out of my mouth in awe of all that has taken place. 

I would have never imagined in a million years I’d be sitting on your porch of brick last Friday night, under these circumstances, sharing stories, laughter, and tears. Hearing more only helps clear the air for me.
Even when your told you’ve effed up with only people you have left it isn’t always true, you just have to stand strong to your convictions and look in places that you were told had no answers. When you can see it first hand, that’s the moment you know you can’t ignore it any longer, that zombie you locked up in the barn is… hungry. You’ve got two choices in zombie land, feed it or end it. If you choose to feed it I won’t judge you, however, I do not condone these actions but I can understand why you would.
When I took a step back and really started connecting things they all started to make more sense, in the long run I hope I will come away from all this as a better person.

Not everything is as cut and dry and it seems through the interweb, I will make it clear this is extremely hard for me just thinking about so much I wish wasn’t true. I’m blown away and still not completely sure how I should feel. Almost everyone that is pissed off at me recently has full right to be, however know that things get twisted on both sides of things and that only propagates drama. 
I am not making an attempt to band-aid this scrapped knee, I want it to breathe so it can heal properly. I’ll be forever sorry for countless things that do not belong on the Internet. I am slowly getting back to where I need to be and doing it with open eyes.

Changing Inside, Showing It On The Outside

I’ve been going through a lot recently and I am more thankful than they will ever know to have a loving family who supports me during such a rough transition.

I thought at first I had cut all the ties I needed too, recently however I have realized that was not the case.
So here’s what I did.

In the beginning, I cut the cord that bound me to something I no longer wanted, something not healthy.
I slowly came to see that if I really wanted the fresh start I had been searching for I was going to have to work a little harder.
I removed all rings and jewelry that reminded me of people no longer in my life, I now only wear the tan lines that will, over time fade.
At first I bleached my hair, thinking that could rid me of the negativity and unwanted energy that had brought me down. I wasn’t quite there yet.
Two nights ago I cut my dreadies off.

Remember, I wanted serious change, a real fresh start.

Now my hair is shorter than it ever has been and I love it.
I removed a belligerent nape piercing that kept coming out, I had forced it back in once before but I realized that if it doesn’t want to stay, why should I want it there.
With each day I am getting closer to my twentieth birthday, I am transforming, becoming who I really am on the inside and showing it on the outside.
This is all my process. This is me letting go of the past and welcoming my future with open arms.
I have moved, changed jobs, and down-sized quite a bit.
During this process, I have realized whom my true friends are and who’s just there for the show.

In the land of new beginnings this is how I start my day.
I wake up and feed my kitty, pick up the early morning mess made by my little fox then feed the chickens and pray there’s an egg.
Today, while I was watering mommas garden I saw a rainbow through the spraying water, that same rainbow followed me around until I was finished.
That rainbow gave me hope for new things, it said,”Hey little girl, you’re doing the right things for the right reasons.”
I wont say too much about last night but here’s what I can tell you, as I was looking to the stars and began to speak, the biggest and longest shooting star I have ever seen shot across the night sky, as if to agree with what I was saying. As I finished what I had begun another shooting star flew across the sky. I stayed out there a while longer just to gaze and not once did I see another.

When you start to change in the right way the universe is always there if you’re ever doubting yourself, you just gotta listen.
I trust and believe in what am doing, I can feel it in my bones.

Today after I had done everything that was needed I set up my hammock and swung. I could’ve stayed inside and watched TV all day but I know better than that. The sound of the woods all around me, the wild animals speaking among themselves, the wind blowing strong, the warmth from the afternoon sun and a cold beer made me happy.

Happiness lies not in the worth of something but the love you create.

As I rocked back and forth, I closed my eyes and listened to the world.
I listened to my inner self. I let myself dance, sing, and rest.
Here on this little slice of land, with no worries of being scarred, I am happy.
Truly happier than I can ever remember being. I have cut off all the bondage of the false world and found real love.
Through all these changes I have even begun to truly love myself.
I have others accepting me as I am, sharing our scars, crying in pain, and not holding back, I have broken down the walls I built myself.

Change is happening all around us, you can either except it or ignore it, I have chosen to accept it.
Trasformation is a beautiful process especially when you’re standing barefoot in the midst of it.

I’m letting go of all of the material things that really don’t matter. I’m showing myself and the universe what I really want. I’m buckling down on my studies both spiritual and educational. I am making plans to get into college by the spring semester, I am starting a new job and steadfast on saving all the money I can, not because money can buy happiness but because it can buy me my own little piece of land to call my own.

I’ve heard others tell me recently they’ve changed and I have not seen anything of the kind. To change you must actually take action, you must be willing to let go and learn from your mistakes, you must be willing to accept it all.

These past two months have opened my eyes to all the things I thought I was seeing, now I understand what they mean.
I am carving my own path, new trails, discovering depths within myself never before had I imagined.

As summer leaves us behind and fall peaks around the corner our seasons are changing, transforming not all at once, but through a slow and steady process. We are coming up on our second harvest holiday and fast.
Precious time we thought we had is slipping away faster than we can comprehend. Are we going to sit back and turn into pumpkins or are we going to take advantage of what time we have left and dance until our feet are sore?

Well, I don’t know about y’all but I am dancing, stomping, singing, hooping, and embracing ever sacred moment of it. We have forgotten that we do not have time to waste, we have to put forth the effort or in turn we are the ones that will waste away.
I mean if that’s what you want, I can go ahead and throw you in the compost bin, but you can be certain you wont find me there.
There are weeds to be pulled, seeds to be sown, recipes and virtues to be learned, this time we have will not stop for anyone or anything, don’t let it become wasted.

The biggest part of all of this for me would have to be how I have grown.
I once was foolish and didn’t know many things that today help me more than ever.

In twenty more years I want to be able to say that I learned everything I could from my momma, while I had time. I want to be able to share these stories and knowledge with my own children someday so that when change is needed they don’t feel like laying down is the only way out.
They will know all of the wonderful things that you can’t find in a book, the things you have to experience and learn for yourself.
Change is just another part of this life, the question is this; Are you going to stand up and face it head on or are you going to lie down and waste in the compost bin? Better make up your mind soon, time wont stop and if you don’t already know well I reckon you’ve wasted enough of it already. Don’t be afraid to jump, run fast, and dance until you fall. Don’t listen to others if you know better in your soul. Only you can know what’s right for you. Never be worried to make mistakes, if you didn’t, how would you ever learn? Go read a book and swing in a hammock and leave the cell phone inside, it’ll be there when you get back. Do something with your time and as you grow, one day you will see it was all part of changing.

For all those out there who love and support me, I love and support you back more than you will ever know, maybe one day we will fill those holes within each other, maybe one day we wont be sad anymore, maybe just one day we will have learned and loved for the right reasons. We will have changed.
Much love to y’all.
-Hazey

Change is all over me 🙂

Pickle my soul

I haven’t felt this good since I was a tiny little thing barefoot, standing on the red clay banks catching catfish and fireflies.

Y’all tonight was good. I can’t even explain with words how the universe is unfurling all around me.
This country life is just the dirt this little tree needed. That damn city life just aint right for me, too much concrete to scrape your knees on.

Imma walk around in my sundress, cowboy boots, and fairy wings, dancing to the soundtrack in head.
Hell I might even bust out my LED hoola-hoop.

Sitting back on this old porch, swappin stories about everything from bad blood to damn good food.
Not worrying bout nothing, no shoes required, sleeping puppy in my lap, and a smile welling up in my heart.
Things never felt so right, so good, so real, so natural. Family is all you need.
One day I will teach my daughter and she will teach hers, real shit, we aint got no room for fake.

Pulling into a setting afternoon sun, watching it fade, then seeing the Moon. Nothing like it. Can’t buy it at Wal-Mart. Couldn’t buy it if you had all the money in the world. You can’t Google shit like this.

You know, the moment when the lights flash and you can just smell it in the air. Mmmm, yes, I do.

That one time I was worried to bring out my special kitty, worried sick, like any momma would be, but knowing that the Goddess had her. And yes she’s in love with this here land, just like her momma.
No need to worry, remember?

“It takes volcanos to make tropical islands and super novas to make the universe”-from the man who calls me babygirl. Yes, he’s so right. He and I are supernovas and we wont ever forget that. From one old soul to another. Anyone who said miles can separate two people never knew what we do.

These wings are ready fly, y’all stand back now.

Ever met a soul who resinated within you, so deep, you’ve loved them before this life, and will in the next. Mhm.
That’s really family, never let go, never slow down. FLY.

When shit get’s tough, there a wonderful comfort to know, you can always go home. Knowing there’s always gonna be the best homegrown home-cooked dinner, cigarettes, and wine. Knowing that those same sweet souls will be there to clean up bloody knees and there to threaten to put you under the tomatoes when you damn well need to hear it.

That’s love y’all. That’s who I call kin.
Even the trees like to talk to you out here.
Got me a guard kitty who’s favorite place to sleep is on mommas’ alter, only when it’s been cleaned off.

I think tonight goes down in the history books of my soul as a scared night. A night I really felt safe and happy.
Goddess blessed this life. This night, this air, these souls. I am more than lucky, I was born here.

Just add some vinegar and sugar and pickle me silly.

What did we do before all this, oh yeah, Big Momma sustained us, and if you’re not scared she’ll do it now too.
At least she does for me. I don’t need for nothing, I’ve got more than anyone could ever dream of.
And boy am I thankful.

When this body of mine dies, burn it and return it to this here land.

Take those seeds in your hand, rub them with your intentions, as you plant them, and then stand back.
Those little babies will shoot up and show you what they got, every time. Well, that’s what they do. Come on y’all.
Let’s get back to what this life is really about. As my Momma says I guess I’ve done gone Native.
It’s what I feel most compelled to do, it’s the book that’s written on my soul, the way I should be.

I was born to hunt my food and respect the scared process of it all. Nothing is wasted. Everything has its purpose.
You think we were born with clothes and shoes on, you think we were born with a silver spoon in our mouth, naw.
Iffin you birthed a babe, you know damn well what I mean, Women, our bodies provide the food even after the birthing is done, then, what, you think McDonalds was built just so we could live? 40,000 years ago… whatcha think they did, right. Natural life.
We are animals after all. I don’t know where you find McDonald seeds at but you must be fancy.
I aint never heard such mess in all my lives. This shit aint what we were born for, it’s killing us faster too.
You think that’s natural. Mmm, mayhap you need to go rethink some things.

Well, I don’t know about y’all but I can feel this earth between my long toes, I love the sweet way the grass tickles me, I love the rays of the mighty sun on my skin, I dance to the moon and howl with the wolves. I’m all that I can be, myself.

I may paint my nails and dye my hair but even if I didn’t have a Mac Book Pro I’d still be carving my stories into the memories of my family just the same. I’d be just fine without all this fancy shit, I’d still be happy and maybe living right just a little better.

Don’t mind the glitter and sparkles. I’d still be sparkling without the glitter.
Y’all know some muggle had the gall to tell me “The reason I took the such and such was cause I thought you’d need it to seem cool.” Well, damn. I laughed, if you know me, like I do, you’d know I don’t need anything to be cool, I just am. You think Macaws need cool toys to be cool, well you aint too smart. I said, “Honey I don’t need shit, I could be in a cave and I’d still be the brightest thing there. You can’t take this glitter away, it was encoded into my DNA. Enough said.

See I’m a bird who cant be caged, I fly wether you try and fight it or not, I’ll just fly away and find a new tree to nest in.

You can hurt me, you can even make me cry, but you best be prepared for the moment this Goddess gets back up, hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned. Yes, I realize that may ensue war but this little bird aint all love and light like most people would like to think. I can be, just don’t cross me and if you do, know that I will fight with all that I have in me.

I don’t lay down like a dog, naw, I stand strong. And I don’t ever start a battle I’m not prepared to win.
Don’t get me wrong though, I am sweet as honey but I sting worse than a bee. I am respectful until you cross me. I am thoughtful even in war. I know my roots, I know they go deep. I know where I came from and truthfully that’s all I can be. I’m the most loving, caring, soul you might ever meet and if you’re in trouble I’ll help wipe the blood off your knees.

That’s right y’all, if you don’t know me you better get good at smelling me coming, cause when I arrive you’ll never know what hit you. That’s being raised down here in the deep south. Don’t nobody hurt my family. Don’t nobody talk smack about my people but my people iffin you do, you better hope your car goes faster than mine.

So that’s my bedtime story for y’all. Sleep tight and don’t let those damn bed bugs bite. If they do you can always call on me, I’ll probably be up dancing in the grass under these glamouring stars, singing old time country songs of yesteryear, feeling the world spin and experiencing more memories to share. I love you all. From an old soul to all y’all out there this is my life and how I feel this is the true story of a born and raised country girl.

-Hazey xoxo

Red Clay and Chicken Livers

What you see at first is not always what you get with me.

Living in a smaller town than any of you will ever know, I was born and raised in the boondocks.

I grew up fast, I grew up strong, like American Honey.

I was raised beneath the shade of the Alabama pines, don’t cha know, it’s home to me.

I shot my first deer at the age of 3, being held up by my daddy’s hands and the world. He taught me how to hunt, fish, and survive.

When you feel like giving up, you gotta push harder.

I can bait a hook with fresh chicken livers, caught my first catfish a whole 13lbs with my Mickey Mouse rod and reel. I never wore shoes and  still hardly ever do. My feet could run me anywhere I wanted, down the street, through the woods, and even cross gravel driveways, I was not tender footed and I ain’t startin now.

I would play with sticks, mud-pies, crickets, rollie pollies, lizards, frogs, even snakes. (I did get bit a time or two, you just gotta know iffin it’s a rattler, better just throw it on the grill.) I was taught, “don’t never kill no animal lessen you planning on eatin it.”

Home grown food was the only way. Anything else is just silly. “Bless their heart” slips out from time to time, homemade pickles, and fresh figs. Goats standing on 80 year old rusted car frames, that might as well be part of the land they been there so long. Crab apples and salt. Running through the corn field, praying for summer to never end. Fourth of July was always the best, no city lights, no cops, just me and you, these here roman candles and the fire flies. Those same fire files, I’d catch and rub their glow across my face like war paint. I was always prepared for a fight or a rave. Yes, I like things that glow, all around me. I was work-truck ridin, camo-coverall wearin, cotton top with blue eyes and a heart big enough for anyone. I was daddy’s little country girl, climb a tree, pick wild honeysuckle, and at the end of the night sit around the family table and heal those bloody knees and bruised shins.

I would sing every Lynyrd Skynyrd, Garth Brooks, Alan Jackson, Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Diana Carter, Hank Williams Jr, Willie Nelson song ever. I would have rather stayed outta school just to go to work with my dad.

See when I was real young my parents divorced, egg donor moved to the city, of Auburn that is, and Daddy, well he stayed in the sticks where he was raised. I was split in two pieces, my heart was and will always be my dads. My head on the other hand knew that the best thing I could do for my self was a better education and that meant sadly enough, habitattin with egg donor, here in Auburn, the land of the not so free.

My soul yearned for country livin, my roots were drying up and begging me for running creeks where the wild flowers grew steady and strong. I long for the early morning, the sweet taste of reminiscing, watching the sun come up and baby deer frockling through the tall grass. The nights when the tin roof got played on by the rain, the cicadas sung siren songs of eternity. I miss the days of my ghostly past, when the only thing that mattered was spending every second I could outside, sun set and sun rise, I was safe and happy inside.

This is the story of a girl no one knows yet, the little girl who wished to be older, prettier, and taller, never thought she’d end up like this. She may appear just a bit crazy, flaming hair, and so many holes in her body, the boys get confused. The same girl knows it’s better to fall in love with a soul rather than a gender, the little girl who was groomed for sunday school at the Southern Baptist Church, literally a minute from the house, if that. Our house was at the top of the hill and before the subdivision came to our neck of the woods the back 40 was four wheeler land, a place we ruled, where every tree knew your name and your gentle touch. Before she knew of corruption, she was pure like the cotton fields, or the tunnel of tress she rode under every other weekend, there and back. She was sweet if you were sweet to her, she was free and stretched her wings every night.

“She grew up on the side of the road where the church bells ring and strong love grows, she grew up good, she grew up strong.”

I was spoiled rotten to the core, since I was the only child I got away with more. Anything thing I wanted he got it for me. I was long haired and nothing but legs, I was summer kissed and never missed a beat.

Checkin for ticks and chiggers was a part of my daily routine. I was not your typical little girl. I was a tomboy, thought make-up looked silly and was pointless, had red clay stained on my feet, jeans, and soul. Caught tad poles and raised them into frogs, went turkey hunting, found 12 little baby turkeys and raised those as well. When daddy was skinning catfish, she was the little girl who wanted to hear the pop of the insides squish between her fingers. Not gross at all, just having fun.

Every Saturday we’d drive up about 20 minutes and go to “Trade Day” where my dad had native friends, whom had a son, his hair was longer than mine. We never thought about T.V. only if we were brave enough to try and catch the baby scorpion we found underneath some old plywood. Who could out run who, through the back of the booths, where the tree line started. How high we could jump on his trampoline, and let me tell you he was the only kid I knew who even had one of those. We were so small, when their chickens hatched we got on our knees and crawled into the chicken coop, just sat there under the heat lamp and let the little babies jump from our shoulders to our hands. He had a pet squirrel that lived inside a tent in his room. That thing was not little and very spastic, but always sweet.

Raise something with love and kindness and it will remain.

That little girl grew up faster than she thought. She is now a young woman. Countryfied, Rap singing, dreadie rocking, sweet 20 year old, that still holds true to her up-bringing. And still has a secret dream of racing cars. She’s grown into the lady that wants to collect berries and make paint, the one who loves to shoot a gun, dance in the soft grass, and lay under a blanket of stars.

A girl who can read your soul through your eyes, wont give up until she’s dead, wont be controlled, or defined. She is in constant motion, hoola-hooping, singing in the car, sitting on screened in porch, steady thinking. Her words may be undetectable but if you know her she doesn’t have to speak to be heard. The little girl isn’t so little anymore, but still remembers.

Memories keep her true and grounded to this here red clay. She will one day have her land where the horses run free, beside the goats and chickens. The dogs are their best friends and no one in their right mind would dare trespass. She’ll have a cow field and a four wheeler. A corn maze and a creek just seconds away. This is her home in the land of the free.