Unlikely events lead you where you never expect; I may have lost things in the process but in the end I won more than I ever thought I deserved.
As we held hands on the back porch of our dreams, I looked her right in her starry blue eyes and promised her the world. I intend on delivering it.
We have had one hell of a journey, the years, the drama, the bullshit, and all hurt of past histories that cannot be erased or made “all better” with a bandage and some betadine. All of this muck we’ve battled through was leading us to each other. I told her, she is the prize at the bottom of the cereal box. She’s the most inspirational person in my life. And I love her!!
I do not hold her to ideals, I know who she is. Beautiful, Loving, Supportive, Brilliant, Inspiring, Strong, Noble, Wise, Honest, Mother, Wife, Leader, Teacher, Willful, Amazing, Hilarious, Goofy, Dancer, Writer, Poet, Artist, Brave, Authentic, Intuitive, Passionate, Charismatic, Audacious, Lovable, Rare, Priceless.
I wouldn’t trade her for the world, I feel so blessed to have her in my life. She has truly helped me find the way back to being who I really am; all fucked up and beautifully unique. She has helped me become a better person more than I ever thought possible. She makes me laugh louder, smile brighter, and live better.
She has never been anything but honest with me from the very beginning and I respect that more than anyone who would try and lull me with a false sense of reality.
She knows she can count on me for whatever she may need or want. I will do anything and everything in my power to make it happen. And if I can’t, you better believe I will have given it my all and that should count for something.
She is very precious to me and I will honor her by standing tall right by her side through whatever the universe throws this way. I could not imagine where or what I would be if I had listened to those who were simply jealous and advised me from taking the first step in contacting her.
I felt it deep in my gut that this was the path I was meant to take, even though I had been warned and harassed for my actions. I swallowed my fears and showed up on her front porch. We were both overwhelmed with feelings, emotions, and stories for each other. I’m sure like I was, she was also very nervous of me. My instincts are usually dead on the mark and I was hoping this too would prove that for me again.
We dove into the hard stuff right away, we laughed, cried, hugged, and somehow in this fucked up mess started feeling a sense of peace. The night I went to meet her, on my own terms for the first time we spent the next five hours talking about everything we never had anyone else to share our secrets with that truly understood. We understand each other then and now, better than I think I’ve ever been with anyone. Somewhere in the midst of drinking and smoking our pains out, I got brave enough to ask her to be my teacher. The look on her face was priceless. I could tell that out of everything I said or could have said she never saw that coming. She told me, she would have to seriously think about everything and that she would either way get in touch with me to let me know.
It wasn’t the answer I had hoped for but I really shouldn’t have expected anything more. I was patient and knew that if it was meant to happen it would. Sure enough, it did. When I received her email welcoming me into her sacred space, the ground beneath my feet disappeared as if I were in a dream. I had asked for this but never expected to receive it. It was like Christmas morning and I knew then that what would follow would be nothing but magic.
Since then the road we travelled together hasn’t been easy, it wouldn’t be as special as it is, if it had been. October 26th will make it our first year together and I am so proud of everything she really is, who she really is, and all that she does for those she cares about.
In a land where dreams really do come true, we have each other. A solid foundation built with honesty birthed the greatest relationship in the history of the world. I know she has my back and I have hers. When you are honest with one another trust is never an issue. We have dealt with our share of crazy, neurotic, sociopathic muggles for a lifetime and then some. It is now time for peace.
With each day that passes I can look back and see how I’ve grown, how I am more relaxed, open, strong, and in the most stable place I’ve ever been in. I have her to thank for that. She might not hear me tell her enough how thankful I really am, how much I truly love her, how she inspires me to strive for the best in my life, how she makes me set goals for myself that will truly help me all through my lifetime, how wonderful knowing her is and how much she has helped me realize I am worth more than I give myself credit for.
She works harder than anyone I know and gives it her all when embarking on any task at hand. She is a leader in our community, that with her influence has grown closer and stronger. It’s a beautiful thing to witness. She may not claim to be Wonder Woman but she could put on the costume and fool me.
I have watched as she has invested her heart and soul into our kindred and it has grown like a beautiful garden carefully tended and weeded when needed. She takes her time and spends it on those she loves the most, each little seedling gets just as much energy and care as the next. And boy, is this garden thriving.
She crafts her intentions into reality, never have I met a person who kept their word like she does. If she tells you something, I’ve learned she will follow through every time. Seeing someone be so responsible and respectable motivates me to follow in her footsteps. She has the best family anyone could ever dream of and I tell her all the time, it’s her influence on them that has shaped them into the beautiful human beings they are today. I am lucky to share in the experience of it all.
We like the same music so most nights turn into Sing-A-Longs filled with laughter and late nights spent with the best kin and company surrounding us. We craft art things together. We share and hold sacred space together. We respect each other. The inside jokes go on forever, we don’t even have to speak most times; I can just give her a look and she knows exactly what I’m thinking. Having a real connection with someone opens your eyes to all the false ones you thought you had. The illumination she has provided has opened my mind and eyes to so many things I would have never gotten to alone. She is the most amazing teacher and friend I could have ever asked for.
As she has invited me into her life I have been so blessed in so many ways. I truly feel at peace and that I’m on the right path discovering myself and the world around me.
I want to tell y’all a story before I end this post.
My birthday is two days away and I will be turning twenty-one. I did not know her last year on my birthday, or what I did know of her couldn’t be further from who she really is. I was surrounded by a group of people I called family and they welcomed me as their family. I spent nine and a half months thinking they really cared for me. I was so wrong, they all had their own motives for using me as they pleased. I was unaware of the ongoing nonsense of it all. My birthday rounded the corner and the woman I had grown to call my *magic* mother wanted to adopt me, not legally but spiritually. A Cherokee adoption, in her words once adopted as family there is no way out but death.
I believed in this, I believed in her, I believed in something for the first time in so long and it felt good. She gave me two names in Cherokee, the first she said meant ‘FOX’ for I was her little fox. The second name meant ‘Black Fox’ to show me that even my dark side was loved and honored at least in her eyes.
I thought it was everything I had ever dreamed of. I knew deep down the uneasy feelings I was getting were in fact something and I should have paid better attention. You see all those other people I told you about were extremely jealous that I had walked into her life and took the spot of favorite like it was a Tuesday. I thought it was healthy for them to feel this way and I would never ask anyone to hide or burry their true feelings.
However, I never thought that they would form a group of hate against me. I should’ve known better than to be so naive. No more than two weeks had passed and I had every single one of them mad at me for this reason or that. I was willing to put in the work and time to regain everyones trust and respect, but sadly was never given the option. They wanted me gone and that’s what they got. She let me know, I was no longer ‘safe’ on her land where I had been staying nor did anyone in her group want to hold ritual space with me during the approaching holiday.
That was all I needed to hear; I was no longer one of them. They pushed me from the circle and once I was out, I saw things in ways I never would have if I were still in their circle.
That night was Thursday October 25th. I drove out to the boondocks and found a nice little dirt road that had only one or two driveways on it, I slept in my car that night. Funny enough I wasn’t worried about some backwoods guy coming out and messing with me, I was however, terrified zombies were going to emerge from the line of trees that I had parked next too. I know, silly. So I took all the clothes I had in my car and built a bed for myself. The next morning I rose with sun and felt sick to my stomach.
Had everything really happened? Had it all been a nightmare? No, it was real and it hurt. How had I ever thought I had everything? I had been so blind.
I needed someone to talk to, I needed a rational minds input. I went to a lady’s house that morning, one whom I had grown to call my Auntie. She wasn’t as engrossed in the circle as the rest of them, I thought she could help give me some advice, insight, or just an ear to listen.
She welcomed me over and let me tell my version of the events that had transpired. I was unaware until after I finished my story and my first pack of cigarettes that she had already talked with the woman I had called Mama. What she told me next made me feel more sick than I thought possible. I already knew she had been spreading rumors about me to anyone who would listen and Auntie was one of the last ones to get a call. Mama was working her hardest to have me excommunicated from the pagan community at large.
The rumors were so ridiculous I never imagined anyone in their right mind would believe them. Girls in high school couldn’t even come up with rumors like these. They were so far from any truth I was more shocked than anything. How could this woman who claimed she loved me as her daughter, so easily and viciously spread such a crock about me? I will never have answers to most of these questions.
So auntie and I sat there for the next several hours and discussed everything. She told me even after I had received three horribly written and offensive “good-bye” letters from the ones I once called family, that I could still fix this. I laughed out loud, I was not willing to try and fix anything with anyone who not only threatened my safety, had attacked me from behind a computer screen, had lied to my face, lied behind my back, tricked me into sacrificing my favorite part of my self (my dreads) for a boy whom she already knew wasn’t interested. I have no respect for liars, even less respect for someone who tries to abuse me.
I had been fooled into acting out against someone I thought was “bad”. As I had been told horror stories about this woman for the last nine months, things became so clear that day. I realized if this woman I called mama would in a moment turn against me and spread lies about someone she supposedly cared for, who else had she been lying about.
What came next was a feeling that I had so much to fix, not on their part but on those who were also targets of her lies and drama. I wanted to contact and apologize to this ‘bad witch’ I had been taught to hate. My auntie advised me against it, she said the bad witch has nothing for you, you will gain nothing from that. I saw things differently and Goddess I am so thankful I did.
Reaching out as scared as I was, was the best thing I have ever done. Now I did not want to bring the drama into this blog and this is in no way an attack on anyone. Hang in there, there’s a point to this story I promise.
So, there I was in a fucked up head space, felt like I was lucid dreaming only I had little control of what was happening. It was so surreal and so unbelievable I couldn’t process it all. I sent the bad witch a message apologizing for my actions and for ever believing anything I had heard without making my own decisions or observations. I asked her if she would be so inclined, I wanted to meet with her, face to face. So we did. And it was beautifully strange, familiar and nerve racking.
I have been by her side ever since that night. Her light shines so bright there’s no room for darkness, corruption, lies, or drama over here.
I thought what I had was real but it wasn’t until I really found something real did I see how fake everything before had been.
I would like to thank you, ‘mama’ for if I had not journeyed down that trail, if I had not been so close and wrapped up in all things you were, if I had not gone through what I did; I would not be the person I am today. I would not have one of the greatest relationships I could have ever dreamed of. You make me appreciate all that I have now for without you it wouldn’t be what it is today. I wouldn’t appreciate “The Bad Witch” like I do now, if I had met her first and had never gotten to see the other side of things. We both have gone through more than our fair share of crap and us coming together, in my eyes has made everything before all the more worth it.
I am proud to call her kin, she is truly family. She doesn’t make false promises, she doesn’t tell me when to jump or how high, she doesn’t tell me who to like or what to do, she is, however, honest with me. She doesn’t tell me I can have all the candy in the candy store. She calls me out when I make a mistake and has taught me to take responsibility for my actions.
In short she has taught me this:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
I knew these thing before meeting her and growing with her, but now I truly understand them and can integrate them into my life like I never thought possible.
So, here’s my last point I promise.
With my approaching birthday I haven’t known exactly how to feel or if I even wanted to celebrate it. I have realized that’s no way to be. I cannot focus on negative things if I ever hope of moving past them. In turn that was part of the inspiration for this blog. I saw that there is so much more in my life now that I should focus my time and energy on, so many better things, beautiful things, real things. And what has made me into this strong, willful, caring, happy, at peace person I am today? My lovely sister, teacher, friend, and role model: Angela aka the first Bad Witch. She no longer holds that title, but has passed the torch to me for I still have many stories to be written and shared with the world.
This post is dedicated to her. I want her to know that no matter what may come, I will always be here for her. She is the most special lady I have ever had the honor of knowing. And I want the world to know how much I love her and truly appreciate all that she really is.